Boys & Girls


What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.


DUI


A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”




Tree Shark


What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it drops out of a tree, it'll kill you?
A pool table.






The Four Ghosts of the White House


One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."





A Real Watch Dog


A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."






jokes updated (: